K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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