Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
