After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
