can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
