I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
