just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
