just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
