and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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