You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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