she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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