the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My penis needs a shock collar
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
