from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
