Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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