Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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