I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
