Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
