he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you had me at cake vodka
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
