He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
