ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
