I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
