i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
