i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
