turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize