I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
