im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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