I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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