ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
