Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize