Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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