you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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