my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize