You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
