At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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