If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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