i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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