And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
And then he peed in my hair
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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