Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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