just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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