I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
