$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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