If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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