new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
