Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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