Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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