I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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