She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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