Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
