If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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