just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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