im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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