broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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