my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
