her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
