He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Come on in and take your pants off
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