He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
