i think my mom watched the whole time
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize