I am puke
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Ketchup is God's man juice
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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