we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
