Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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