They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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