I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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