i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
